The house, the house, the house is on fire

Years ago, I wanted to run cable tv to the upstairs bedroom of my house. Of course, that costs money and at the time I had none. But I didn’t need it, did I? I watched the cable guy very carefully when I first got cable. He just used a drill to bore a hole through the house and run the cable through. It was just a long drill bit and I had one of those. What could go wrong?

So I got my trusty Black & Decker drill and went to town. After drilling through the wall, I noticed insulation had wrapped around the drill bit and was smoking. How weird. Isn’t insulation fireproof, and didn’t the cable guy use the same bit. Um no, and no. Insulation is not fireproof and I learned later that the bit used by the cable company is specially designed, closer to a masonry bit for that very reason.

Now I see smoke, not only from the drill bit, but coming out of the hole I just drilled in the wall. Holy shit. What to do. I know, cut of the oxygen that is feeding the burning insulation. If I slap masking tape over the hole inside and out, that should do it. I quickly apply masking tape to the drywall hole and then run outside to do the same. Only now, I can see smoke billowing out of the hole. This idea is just not going to work! My freaking house is beginning to burn!

Idea #2. Squirt water into the hole to put the fire out. Yeah! How do I do that?! I know, turkey baster! I fill that thing up and start squirting it into the hole. Finally, the smoke dissipates. I run outside to see what it looks like out there. I pull off the masking tape and smoke begins to billow out the hole. Shit.

Now I am really thinking fire department. Not actually calling them mind you, but I’m thinking what would the fire department do? Well, first they would use their axe to bust out the drywall. I can do that. So I run in the garage and get my….hatchet (I didn’t have an axe). I start chopping out drywall until I can see the very slow burning insulation. A black circle is expanding from the hole I drilled. I pulled it all out and threw it in the fireplace. Crisis averted.

I finished running the cable, moved the entertainment center back in front of the huge hole in the drywall. No one is the wiser. I even got kudos from the wife for doing such a good job.

After our divorce years later, she decided to sell the house. Only then did she take back the kudos, over the phone, eloquently and with much emphasis.

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