This little piggy had no balls…

One of my first jobs was working on a pig farm when I was a teenager. Of course you’d know that if you ever played melman trivia. I learned a lot in the three and a half years I worked there. One of the things I learned without even knowing it was humility.

This farm had over 800 pigs at any given time. There were things we did every day, there were things we did every week and there were things we did every month. One of the monthly things was castration. Yeah man, you heard me. When a pig reached forty pounds, it was time for him to get castrated. It made them less aggressive but more importantly, it made them bulk up.

With a farm this size, there were usually in the range of fifty to one hundred pigs ready for castration each month. The procedure doesn’t require a veterinarian’s license, but it does require some type of certification. I guess it goes without saying that a job like that also requires a good sense of humor. Anyway, back to humility. My job in this process was to hold the pig while he was being castrated. To do this, I would lift him by his hind legs so that his belly was facing away from me, and then stick his head between my legs while pulling his hind legs straight up towards my ears. Nice huh. This pretty much put his crotch right under my chin. It would only take about three quick swipes of the cutters scalpel to remove a testicle which he would then casually toss on the floor. By the end of the afternoon it felt like I was ankle deep in pig nuts.

Since both of my hands were in use, I was at the mercy of this comedian/nut cutter and had no way to prevent him from bouncing an occasional ball off my young head. Sooooo funny wasn’t it, you rat bastard! One time he shoved one in my shirt pocket and I forgot about it until I heard my mom screaming in the laundry room the next day. Yeah. Imagine YOUR the therapist and your patient tells you her son brings home testicles. Oh yeah, pockets full of them…

I guess you’re wondering why I’m telling you this. I have no idea. I guess I just thought you should know.

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