This little piggy had no balls…

One of my first jobs was working on a pig farm when I was a teenager. Of course you’d know that if you ever played melman trivia. I learned a lot in the three and a half years I worked there. One of the things I learned without even knowing it was humility.

This farm had over 800 pigs at any given time. There were things we did every day, there were things we did every week and there were things we did every month. One of the monthly things was castration. Yeah man, you heard me. When a pig reached forty pounds, it was time for him to get castrated. It made them less aggressive but more importantly, it made them bulk up.

With a farm this size, there were usually in the range of fifty to one hundred pigs ready for castration each month. The procedure doesn’t require a veterinarian’s license, but it does require some type of certification. I guess it goes without saying that a job like that also requires a good sense of humor. Anyway, back to humility. My job in this process was to hold the pig while he was being castrated. To do this, I would lift him by his hind legs so that his belly was facing away from me, and then stick his head between my legs while pulling his hind legs straight up towards my ears. Nice huh. This pretty much put his crotch right under my chin. It would only take about three quick swipes of the cutters scalpel to remove a testicle which he would then casually toss on the floor. By the end of the afternoon it felt like I was ankle deep in pig nuts.

Since both of my hands were in use, I was at the mercy of this comedian/nut cutter and had no way to prevent him from bouncing an occasional ball off my young head. Sooooo funny wasn’t it, you rat bastard! One time he shoved one in my shirt pocket and I forgot about it until I heard my mom screaming in the laundry room the next day. Yeah. Imagine YOUR the therapist and your patient tells you her son brings home testicles. Oh yeah, pockets full of them…

I guess you’re wondering why I’m telling you this. I have no idea. I guess I just thought you should know.

Jose can you see….

Am I wrong, or do most people hate the Star Spangled Banner? Most people can’t sing it, don’t know the words, or both. I thought I’d noticed a trend in recent years in moving away from the SSB and giving more devotion to God Bless America. Now Laura Bush is leading the National Anthem Project to cram this stupid song down our throats again. I hate conservatives! ‘Well, people don’t seem to like this song much anymore. Rather than find a new one that’s more appropriate and easier to sing, let’s just expose them all to the lyrics. Frequently.’

Before you read on to view the actual lyrics (I know, I’m playing right into their hand), here are a few facts about the Star Spangled Banner: Continue reading “Jose can you see….”

Conversations From The Back Seat

Young Andrew: No, you’ll steal it, like you stole my Dragon Master card.

Young Brett: I didn’t steal it, I gave it back.

Young Andrew: Yeah, a week later.

Young Brett: Well, I didn’t steal it.

Melman: If you took it, it’s still stealing even if you gave it back.

Young Brett: What if I gave him an even better card back?

Melman: Stealing.

Young Andrew: You’d have to give me two Dragon Master’s AND a Doom Slayer for it not to be stealing.

Young Brett: I should have traded it with my Key Master card and I could have gotten two Doom Slayers and kept one for myself and given the other two to you.

Melman: It’s even worse if you do something wrong and then profit by it too.

Young Andrew: I do that all the time.

Melman: You do? And you call yourself a Cub Scout?

Young Andrew: Well, if I hit my sister, it usually profits me.

Melman: How does that profit you?

Young Andrew: I don’t know, it just does.

Young Brett: It helps his self-esteem.

Dog Walkin’est Neighborhood

In all the places I’ve lived over the years, I’ve NEVER seen more people walking their dogs than I’ve seen in my current sub-division. It’s weird and it’s getting on my nerves. It’s not only the number of dog-walkers, but it’s also the kind of dogs being walked. Does a Yorkshire Terrier really need to be walked down the street on a leash? Throw that thing out on the deck and let him run himself silly. There are also a few walkers who have two or three dogs; big dogs. I thought I’d only see in New York. Continue reading “Dog Walkin’est Neighborhood”