Fluffy Estate Sale

About a year and a half ago, my girlfriend decided to buy a hamster for my 11-year-old daughter. Despite the fact that I only brought my daughter over to her house on occasion, she assured me she would be responsible for it’s care. She just wanted to have something for my daughter to play with when she came over. I agreed so long as she promised I would never have to take ownership of the rodent. I was very adamant about this. 

Okay, so there I am a month later bringing the hamster home to my apartment along with all of his furnishings and supplies. Hamsters are, by nature, nocturnal creatures and Fluffy no doubt wore out his welcome at my girlfriend’s house with all of his late night carousing. Clearly, this noisy annoyance was better suited for my small one bedroom apartment than for my girlfriend’s two-story, 3 bedroom home.

So, night after night I have been putting up with this loud obnoxious fur ball. I was able to find some remedies to frequent sleep interruptions. I could leave the light on and trick the little genius into thinking it was daytime causing him to sleep right through till morning when I turned it off. Or I could turn on the overhead fan in the bathroom which was usually enough to drown out his normal nighttime activity. Usually. What I ended up doing most nights was dragging my butt out of bed and hosing him down with his detachable watering tube; a little trick I learned from one of those late night prison movies.

For the past year, I’ve been pleading and offering bribes to my daughter to get rid of the thing. I told her I’d get her an aquarium, buy her candy, and take her to Six Flags, whatever. She held steadfast and continued to show her unwavering love for the rat for over a year. Finally, she began to show signs of hesitation and consideration, which was all the approval I needed. Okay, I know what you’re thinking right now. You are reading something written by a cold-blooded killer. I’m really not like that. I wish no ill harm to this little furry fluff-ball with two-inch teeth. I only want the best for him. And that’s exactly what I was thinking a few days later when I spotted the little shiiioe duster scurrying across the floor. Could I have been so careless as to leave the cover off of his cage? I mean, I did open it to tickle him behind the ear while I told him how special he was, didn’t I? Surely I wouldn’t have forgotten to put it back on, because we all know that he can get out if you leave the cover off.

Well, rather than scare him to death by just reaching down and picking him up, I decided to just let him explore and get some exercise. Since he was so close to the patio door, I figured he might even want to go out for a little bit, so I opened the door for him. Sure enough, as I suspected, he loved the out of doors. He sniffed around the patio and ventured into the grass and soon I lost sight of him. This worried me greatly. What if he was to get lost? I would just be CRUSHED! I decided right then and there that I needed to go out and retrieve him. And I didn’t decide that just because there might be an investigation later, with a lie detector either. I immediately went into action. I finished cleaning my apartment, did a couple of loads of laundry, changed my clothes, made lunch and then ran out the door after him.

It is with a heavy heart that I must report I was too late. I must have missed him by seconds. I searched for what seemed like minutes! I just couldn’t find him. A few days later, I got up the courage to tell my daughter her hamster was missing. I told her how nobody responded to the hundreds of “missing Hamster” flyers I had thought about posting. Maybe it was just his time, I told her. After all, does anyone really know what the life expectancy of a Hamster is? Is there any record of a Hamster dying of old age? Her response was, “Can we get an aquarium?”

So it was off to the pet store we went, to buy a nice, quiet aquarium. Good-bye Fluffy, we’ll miss you.

In closing, I’ve attached the posting I made to the community bulletin board of items for sale.

Date: Thursday, 10 July 2003 9:45am ET
To: COMMUNITY.BOARD
From: JEF.MEULEMANS
Subject: Fluffy Estate REDUCED

I’m sure you’re as saddened as I am at the untimely passing of Fluffy the Hamster. But there is a silver lining……GIANT ESTATE SALE!!

1 Bedroom Loft Condominium – acrylic
Attached Exercise Treadmill.
Food & Water attachments.
Over ten feet of explorer tubing (similar to McDonalds on N. Druid Hills).
Wall to Wall Cedar Shavings (one year supply).
Large Exercise Ball.
AND………
Fluffy International Raceway!
That’s right, F.I.R. is a closed circuit track designed by Fluffy himself for the exercise ball. Fluffy lost his life in turn 3 of this very track (crash video sold separately).
You’d pay over 75.00 to buy all this stuff new. Take it all from the Fluffy Estate Sale for only 25.00!!!!
Everything is clean and in good condition (small stain in turn 3).

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